UKNM: EGR - AOL/TW merger editorial

[Chris Heathcote]

Editorial piece about the AOL/TW deal.... nicely sarcastic :)


c.

*****

    Entropy Gradient Reversals:

    Remedial E-Commerce 101

    Christopher Locke


    Let me propose a wager, gentle reader. I bet you've been reading

    about the merger of AOL and Time Warner and your reactions have

    been... well, let's just say a little mixed. On the one hand,

    impressive sums have been mentioned, mountains of virtual money no

    one will ever see; numbers too large to count. On the other hand,

    you have no idea what any of it means.


    The one thing you must at all costs *not* consider -- it would be

    rude of you at best -- is that it means nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip.


    But of course, we would never entertain such thoughts, so the

    rudeness issue is entirely moot. We all know it's a big deal. We

    all know it will shape our fortunes and our futures as surely as

    God made Edsels and Atari games.


    You see, we now have this ultra-cool hyper-high-tech Internet, with

    which we must keep up. We must. And as we all know, it's moving

    fast! At Warp-8 light speed. Faster than sliced bread moved off the

    shelves the day after it was invented. We're running just to stay

    in place. We're checking out equipment down at DigiMart. We're

    taking courses. We're reading manuals thicker than War and Peace

    that don't even have a basic plot. Pant-pant!


    But the real problem -- as you'll appreciate when you come to fully

    understand these things -- is that the Internet is so darn slow.


    Eh? Howzat?


    Well look: sure you've got your basic email and your basic 100

    billion kajillion web pages, but do you have true *broadband*? Are

    you fully hardwired to a 7 x 24 x 365 multiply redundant TCP/IP-

    enabled cable infrastructure? Because whether you know it or not,

    that's what you really want. It's what you need. Let's not mince

    words: it's what you'll fork out for. And it's been the American

    Dream for many years now. So much money has been spent already.

    Just for you.


    Back around 1993, another mega-convergence deal was announced

    between TCI and Bell Atlantic ("convergence" is a technical term

    for hybrid -- sort of like when you mate a horse with a donkey and

    get a mule). True, it fell apart before it came together, but you

    have to admit they were trying. Then, just a few years later

    another world-class merger of media titans was announced to great

    fanfare -- between MCI and Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation. The

    fact that it lasted less than a year should not blind us to its

    historic importance, it's brave and selfless attempt to bring us

    more precious bandwidth.


    Bandwidth is an enormously complex concept, which you are probably

    congenitally unpredisposed to understand. Here's the watered down

    Cliff Notes version. A word is worth one word. A picture is worth

    1000. We have the bandwidth to exchange these sorts of things

    online today, but they are embarrassingly low-tech. What can you

    really do with them? Draw some funny pictures for your homepage?

    Write a letter to your granddaughter in China? Meet new people?

    Learn new things? Maybe explore another culture, or a cure for

    cancer? Oh, puh-leease!


    Be honest. Look your techno-fetishism in the face for once. You

    don't want email. You don't want friends or conversations. You

    certainly don't want knowledge. What you want is user-selectable

    full-motion video-on-demand. You want golf clubs and Cubic

    Zirconiums, strange new forms of exercise equipment, otherworldly

    food processors. You want nonstop astrological advice and 24-hour

    wall-to-wall home shopping. What you really want is Jerry Springer!


    And this is what AOL and Time Warner want too. It's what they want

    for *you*. Why? Because bandwidth this fat can deliver advertising

    like there's no tomorrow. And that, gentle reader, is worth

    considerably more than 1000 words. Picture this: it's worth a

    bucketful of bucks so big, so vast, so overwhelmingly impressive,

    that all those numbers you've seen up till now are nothing more

    than petty-cash chump change.


    Now does it all make sense?


                                    # # #


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